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Musings of a White American Male Asshole: Introducing Myself

Traditional wisdom, especially in journalism, is to focus on one area of interest. That’s all well and good for the people who run Rachael Ray hate sites and Nazi memorabilia auctions, but my area of interest is the world at large, why it is the way it is, and how to improve it. All is valuable, from the highs of the raging success of The Avengers to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie promising to veto marijuana decriminalization thereby removing the last conceivable reason anyone would want to live in New Jersey.

Since I am writing an opinion column on specific events in the world weekly, it feels appropriate that the introduction be a study on my own view of opinions.

I respect every human’s right to be wrong. Fucking hell, Bristol Palin has her own reality show now. I’m the kind of person to form opinions simply to incite, because conflict is interesting. You can either be FOX News and shape the news to fit your narrative or you can be a person with a body temperature roughly in 90s who knows hurricanes are not caused by gay marriage.

Let’s be clear about one thing though: cynicism is NOT an opinion. This may (read: will) sound counterintuitive but if there is one thing in this world I cannot stand, other than texting in movies (they always sit in the row in front of me) it is thinking that negativity is an opinion. Guess what? It isn’t. Things suck. The world sucks. Get over it, hipsters. Cynicism is overrated. And don’t fucking start talking to me about being a “realist.”

There are some criteria on who gets to bitch in the world: if you’re white, shut up. If you’re American, shut up. If you’re a man, shut up. If you’re a white American man like me, you’re an asshole by definition. Birth certificates are proof of guilt, fuck you end of story. Whenever you have to wait in line in the air conditioned Wal-Mart or are stuck in traffic on your way to the strip club, just remember some people have real fucking problems like “Holy shit, they’re raping everyone to death today.”

Feel better? I do. Now the last thing I want to do before we embark on this journey is to dispel the impression that I’m guilty of being dogmatic with my opinions. Instead, I want it to be clear this is instead my expression. Tomorrow, God could show his face and explain the reason he created death, sickness, and injustice was just to fuck with our heads a bit before he wiped us out in the most hilarious game of Risk he and the Devil ever played. However, that is unlikely because facts inform my opinion that God doesn’t exist. Trust me; everything I said above applies to me even more than anyone else. Hypocrisy is for politicians not noble watchdogs of the democracy such as myself. This is not the science of facts. This is the art of expression.

The point is we have all been given the chance to give something back to the world that we live in. Now you can be “cool” and spew venom at everything while doing dick about it or you can be a productive member of the human race and contribute to the overall good. And hey, if you want an honest take on the world every week with healthy doses of self-deprecation and rage. I will leave you with my favorite phrase I never coined:

“Let’s move past bluffin’ and give this world a good ass-fuckin’”

Speaking of which, I’m going to go back to my porn now.

This has been the first of Sam Flynn’s new column. Check back every Sunday to feel his rage. Find him on Twitter.

That image? Why, it’s from 12 Angry Men!

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