CULTURE / FEATURED POST / MUSICS OF A WHITE AMERICAN MALE ASSHOLE / WORD SLINGING

Musings of a White American Male Asshole: Evolutionary Sexual Bullshit

I want to start this column off with a disclaimer: this is not some self-serving attempt at bragging or making it seem like the fucking typical alpha male Jersey-Shore lifestyle… “Yeah, let’s fuck anything that moves, including that Venus Flytrap! Gym and tan, bitches!” is worth anything more than a shit. Personally I much more identify as a beta-butt-boy. Makes my life easier, particularly because I know when to bend over and take it. As a college student, you can imagine overhearing or being asked about that “slut” or if she’s a “whore” or “did you fuck that bitch?” Therein lies our problem.

This column is about men and women. More specifically, it is about WHY we think about each other in the ways we do and HOW we can subvert them to be moral fucking human beings, the Situation notwithstanding. Because, let’s be honest, our culture is FUCKED up. And it’s easy to say that; much harder however to actually think about it and figure out the why and how. Well that’s why I get paid the big bucks. After all, you cannot spell “culture” without “cult.” Also, I approach this with a scientific aim. Facts are facts and opinions are opinions and I will be sure to delineate between the two. You may or may not know this at this point but I’m a white American male asshole and am speaking thusly. So expect plenty of scientific analysis – mixed with dick jokes.

I say all that for one reason: I have been successful with women, in the sense that I have not had trouble having both casual and serious relationships with them. I am not the kind to kiss-and-tell because, honestly, I find I get laid less I talk about it, but as I near my 20th birthday, I can confidently say I’ve bedded more women than most my age. Let me be clear: I only say this to clarify what I want to talk about this week. I’m certainly no fucking Casanova. I assure you that I, like most everyone else, hate myself most days and am socially retarded to the point of self-sabotage. In fact, I believe the only real difference between a guy who feels he is attractive to women and a guy who doesn’t is about nine rejections, give or take. Because even if a guy goes one for ten with girls, guess what? He still gets the girl.

Now I have what some fundamentalist religions fucktards find to be a controversial belief: men and women are equal. I do have a caveat: but they are NOT the same. And the result of this in a world where our two greatest inventions the Large Hadron Collider and internet porn are at all time highs, generally speaking, is that men are pussies and women are assholes. Now I will prove this very simple concept to you in one sentence: women have vaginas and men have penises. Hence, not the same (for all those Christian conservatives who still needed clarification because they have never seen either in their virginal lives). This is I feel the central problem between the ongoing struggle between men and women, particularly in feminism and women’s rights movements. But that’s another column. What I am going to be talking about is specifically in the realm of modern day relationships and why people struggle. The problem is how we’re wired is fighting with extreme prejudice against our better, moral selves.

Let’s look at this from an evolutionary and natural selection perspective, where everything tends to make sense due to small factors like logic, proof, and repeatability. Sex had to be a sacred act. Why? Because if every woman fucked willy-nilly, while we’d have a very high orgasm rate, consequently a very low survival rate. Now to some, like me, that is an acceptable trade-off. However, natural selection decided that maybe women shouldn’t fuck everyone. Maybe they should only reproduce with the highest-caliber of man to ensure humanity’s continued evolution and existence. Well I’m fucked right there because that ain’t me.

And here is where I come to my point: we are all operating on the same system that was instilled in us thousands of years ago when survival was all we cared about and not whether or not Ann Curry got a proper send-off from the Today show. Guess what? We don’t need it anymore. We have both evolved and developed to the point that natural selection is moot (unless you are a Darwin Award winner). You want to know how I know this? Because I am a 5’ 6” Irish-American under-endowed white man; I am the FURTHEST thing from the pinnacle of manhood. If the world ended tomorrow, while some true men would gather food, resources, and rally together, I would most likely look to the big prison escapee Bubba and hope he finds me cute enough to be his bitch. Point being, the reason I’m alive and am able to thrive is because THAT is not the world we live in (my apologies to Bubba, see you in 10-20). The game has changed, for men and women.

So the question becomes: why do some men hate women and why is there a need for the feminist movement? The answer is things like bigotry and misogyny, at one point LONG AGO, were useful. If we didn’t try and “own” women in those barbaric times well we would not survive very long and our poor seed would go un-spread. If we didn’t hate other groups, they would take advantage of us and the women and, again, goodbye grandbabies. To clarify, women are NOT inferior in any way. But that behavior was naturally selected and it is that dark part of human nature we fight.

This brings me back to the beginning: men and women are equal but are not the same. Feminism may have confused the two but it is also not the enemy. Feminism of course originated from women with a progressive spirit but it too has evolved to stand for something bigger: equality regardless of preconceived notions including our naturally hardwired excuses for bigotry, misogyny, and racism. There were reasons they existed but those reasons don’t exist anymore.

How do we fix thousands years of bad behavior, toward women and towards others? Let’s face it: women are NOT treated equally despite the fact that they undeniably are. Look at the wage differences in this very country, let alone Saudi Arabian Islamic sense of female ownership, or the use of rape in the Congo as a weapon of war. Talk about fucked up. Long ago, as cavemen, it was our job to protect the women for our continued survival. The masculinity of all men became entwined with this misogyny. Well guess what men? The solution is you need to stop being pussies. Stop bitching about women becoming equals and setting up bullshit men’s rights movements and stop defining yourself by women. Are our egos so fragile that we can’t let go this primeval shit?

Take it from someone not particularly athletic, not particularly interesting, and not particularly good-looking: stop defining yourself by preconceived notions of whom and what you should be. They’re meaningless. Like I said, we don’t need them anymore! I am proof of that. And if I can fail my way upwards in this world, you certainly can to. You could probably do it easier even! We’re cavemen trapped in the Matrix and we don’t know how to get out. The only way out is to go within.

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