FEATURED POST / HUMOR / WORD SLINGING

Lines to Look Out For by The Weekender, Maurice Aouad

I like to picture myself as a lover of the ladies, a Christian Grey of sorts, minus all the weird fetishes, awesome sex and mommy issues. So I thought I would show my appreciation for the ladies by compiling a little list for them. This list will breakdown every line a guy may use on you while you are at the bar. I know that by compiling this list I am at risk of being alienated by the male community for essentially giving you (the ladies) an in depth analysis of our (the bros) playbook. But please, don’t look at it like that bros; just imagine this as one of those “How do they do it” magic shows that used to air on Fox. Those were harmless, right? Anyways, come with me, metaphorically, and sexually, as I breakdown this list one by one.

The Opener: So you just got to the bar and you are just now feeling that buzz you have been working so hard on at that pregame you wish you never went to. And naturally he opens with this line, “So what’d you guys do before this”. First off ladies, he knows, he was probably there too, playing an awful dubstep song. It’s just something we say to stimulate conversation because we are lazy and like shortcuts.

The Buildup: Out of kindness you are still listening to him but waiting to see where the conversation goes. That is when the inevitable “so, where you from?” is deployed. Spoiler Alert: He doesn’t care where you are from but it will help him structure his next lazily developed question, which I am sure you have all heard before.

The Lock In: Now that you told him where you’re from you basically signed a contract saying, “I guess I will listen to this asshole for a few more minutes” and that’s when he comes in. Since he knows where you are from he will try his hardest to tell you, “Oh you’re from (insert city) do you know (insert person you probably don’t know/like)”

The Exchange: By now you are fully engaged in a conversation that you wish had never started, but he doesn’t know that so he will still ask you, “let me get your number”. And because you (the ladies) are nicer than us (bros) you will probably give him your number.

The Promise: You leave the conversation by stating “ok I’ll text you later!” but you won’t and we know that so we will make sure to annoy the living shit out of you until you do. Finally you cave and respond with the 3 Y’d “heyyy” which is girl for, “stop fucking texting me”.

The Morning After: Chances are he texts you in the morning in total disregard of your hangover, saying something like “you up?” You think about responding but now that you have sobered up, it’s time to delete. He’s now out of your phone and life forever and will be the main topic at breakfast with your girlfriends.

The moral of the story is that the majority of these lines are lazy and overused. It’s time for us (bros) to stand up and change our methods of approaching women. But chances are, this will never happen. So in the mean time ladies, listen to what we say, call us out on it and make us feel awkward. Trust me, we deserve it. And there’s always something endearing about a lady willing to make a man she just met feel awkward.

Maurice models. He also has 2,131 followers on Twitter. You should follow him here

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