CONTRIBUTORS / FEATURED POST / FOUND / HUMOR / WORD SLINGING

Found: In A Bus Stop Trash Can

The following is transcribed faithfully from a piece of Zaner-Bloser-brand tablet paper found hanging over the top of the trash can at my morning bus stop.I’ve added some annotations for clarity when I could, but the translation from what you might call an early English dialect is not always so neat as one would hope. Transcribed by Max Cothrel.

Deer Daddy,

Hi! how ar yu? its me kimmy! i am in Mis Joons class rit[1] now. i luv Mis Joon she is funee and lets us play wif the dinosors aftr lunch. the trysaratops is my favrit.

I haf sumting i ned to tell u, daddy and its not eazee 2 say. i tink i hav a drinkee promblen. Jus lik Unkle Keven. Sept wurs.

See, daddy, its lik thers a hol in my hart. and the hol is dark and dep and it dosnt hav a bontem and it keeps geting biger and biger and is lik 1 of thos mussl mens we put in a glas of wader[2] and he jus kep geting biger and biger its lik that but i feel like this hol is going to use al the wader n me until im noting but 1 big hol.

so i try 2 fill the hol with yur speshal grow up fir jus[3] but it nevr works. And then i hit my baar[4] beecuz i luv him butt he wunt tell me he luvs me back. he jus sits ther loking pasif agwesif. Aftr al iv dun 4 him. I GO TO SKOOL EVRY DAY SO HE KAN SIT AROWN THE HOWS. I WURK MY HANS TO THE BONE 4 HIS LIFSTIYL.

So i hit him, daddy, I hit him until my nukls bleed an i kant see thrugh my teers.
[…]
this is a cwy 4 help, daddy. please help me. i kant help mysef beecuz i hat[5] mysef. i hat everything[6]. i wish i wus ded.

luv,
Kimbrley, age 5

[1] Assuming this is pronounced with a long i to indicate “right”.
[2] Water, presumably.
[3] Difficult to determine what the author means, although we might assume she’s referring to some sort of liquor.
[4] Bear, presumably of the teddy variety. The author spent a great deal of time explaining the complex relationship between her and this teddy bear, identified as both “mr. kuddlee” and “mr. kuddlin” [both sic]. Some of the darker portions have been omitted for the reader’s sake, but I’ve tried to leave enough to capture the gist of the author’s explanation.
[5] Hard to say if the author means that she hats herself, as in she dons a cap, or that she hates herself, as in her apparent alcoholism has led to self-loathing.
[6] See note [5].

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