FEATURED POST / PROBLEMATIC PETTING / WORD SLINGING

Problematic Petting: Falling into Accidental Phone Sex with Someone From Home

er it is!

Some father’s tool bench in the garage took a blow once, in the name of our short and sweet love.

Our confusing and, for whatever reason, occasionally persistent encounters often made me wonder about your meaning and also the text of your tee shirts. We’re of different styles, maybe. You talk a lot. You love the Tigers. I tickle your fancy.

Some people don’t even try to be alluring, however they just can’t help it. I really shouldn’t like you, and our relationship prides itself on being particularly superficial. Let’s be crude and say blatantly hedonistic. With beer bottles in the bathtub, you make some “inappropriate pass” which elicits possible snarls and then pathetic giggles from me. My giggles are actually genuine, but let’s not forget that this is the bathtub.

You’ve engaged in cars and counter tops and texts, tugging my leg under the table while your clueless friends cheered against their team’s rivals. Still, though, phone sex is slightly challenging for me. Not because it takes a whole lot of effort (you don’t even know what I’m really doing, anyway), but because it ironically becomes slightly more invasive. You’re waiting for me. You make demands you don’t even know I follow. I have to perform only in an audible way and pretend you’re feeling it. Pretending is hiding. This is for me, at least.

The pressure to come. Or at least fake it? Or if you do fake it, you only have your voice. That’s pretty much it. Your voice, the sound of your demeanor, and your riled up imagination which only scrapes the tip of the iceberg of past memories of sloppy indulgences. Times when we were, dare I say it, maybe even a little bit “connected.”

Don’t lose me over the line. This means more than just a telephone conversation and an idea of me and you we always choose to skim over, anyway. You can’t date your casual sex partner. You shouldn’t entertain ideas of taking each other seriously. You can’t even think about continuing the conversation past Keep Doing That while on the phone. Don’t take me out for sushi. Let’s not even pretend.

I suppose I’ll try and forget about that time you took me home and I saw your inhaler in the cup holder and asked you about it and you sort of brushed it off like it was nothing. Perhaps it wasn’t any of my business. Perhaps I was extending our conversation too far past the bathtub. I had to wonder, I had to think about you. I was compelled to feel as if pure hedonism wasn’t a rare talent but actually a set back, the minute detail of your inhaler in the cup holder of your car developing into one of your most enduring qualities that kept me calling you.

A lot like your cringe-worthy requests. And your whistles of insecurity. Your pauses in speech and your Alma mater tee shirts. Your occasional genuine inquiry. Your smoking. Nervous puffs. My inexplicable liking.

Keep doing that.

 ***

Epilogue

Here are a few things to remember: don’t take it too personally when they “accidentally hang up on you” when it’s over, don’t EVER reminisce about junior year prom, and DON’T ever ask them “did you come already?”

Be reminded that everyone gets corrupted at one time or another. It’s not that they are simply bored or have expired in their time as a late night investor in the adult channels on On Demand; they might actually appreciate something about you. They might actually really have some kind of attraction to you. And unlike their frank and kind of squeamishly impolite requests for pictures of body parts, perhaps there is– and just may be– some lost essence of youth which both of you have drunk away one too many times or another.

You’ll always love them, anyway, is what I’m saying.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Problematic Petting comes out fresh every Monday. Don’t take phone sex advice from Cynthia. Or for that matter, anyone.

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