HERE, LET ME EXPLAIN by Vladimir Putin

In which the President of Russia speaks directly in response to Ian Svenonius about Pussy Riot and foreign policy.


Having recently read your post on my response to the riot of the pussy, I have a few points for which I feel I must raise.

First dealing with the group themselves; although in your piece you begrudgingly come to their defense; before going off into the woods with a case of international “let-me-tell-you-how-it-is-ism”.  Let me remind you that if in any country, a group of people violated a church by trespassing and refusing to leave and the like, they would be prosecuted. In the US you would call this criminal trespassing, or disorderly conduct. However in my country (Yes, as in I own it) the legal proceedings included incarceration—any mistreatment was a mere coincidence, I assure you.

And your observation that celebrities should shut up on this topic is perfect.  However I would go further and say that any citizen, especially celebrities, should keep their mouths shut when it comes to what I do to my people, in my country.

Now onto your description of why the western media vilifies me so. Yes I completely agree that it is because of my anti-west rhetoric. It has nothing to do with my continued ownership of Gunvor (one of Russia largest oil and gas exporters), its alleged fixing of oil prices coming out of Russia, my continued attempts at espionage in your own country, my fixing of my reelection earlier this year and my crack down on subsequent protests, the incarceration of my Russian rivals, the oligarchic nature of the xenophobic Unite Russia party I lead (which would make the political right of America, as you say, cream their pant), or my mismanagement of Russia’s fiscal policies. (Which in today’s era of interwoven financial markets means I am playing a risky game with your money too…lolski!)

Now comrade, on the topic of foreign NGOs. I know right! Gawd damn foreign pro-democratic assholes coming in and trying to ruin the sweet deal I have, stay out of my country and let me decided my own elections. But anyway, I will now require these NGOs to register as foreign agents…I have had enough democracy, thank you very much.

I must interject here, your description of Assad’s government as a secular regime. I believe you wanted the word sectarian. After all Assad is of the Alawite minority (12% of the nation), a branch off of Shiite Islam. But also you must remember his political party. Linked closely to Sadam Hussein, they branded themselves as Ba’ath—an Islamic interpretation of Fascism.  And though some would describe that the happenings in that country are an effort of the people to demand representation and a political alternative in a one party state, I am glad you chose to describe as it is: unnecessary infighting. As civil wars go, I would compare this conflict most to the Spanish Civil War; but I doubt your country’s education system covered that since USA wasn’t involved.

I do enjoy your lauding on me as being in the way of the destruction of the last coherent social infrastructure in the middle east, but if you would describe a government based on fascism, which lacks representation of nearly 88% of the population, which operated under a continued “Emergency Law” since the Assads took power in 1963—lol, and you thought the patriot act was bad. If that sounds like a fine piece of social infrastructure in need of preservation, then do I have a bridge for sale that I think you would love. To be short with you, my grand Russian Naval Fleet has a naval base in Syria, our last in the Mediterranean, and we are not going to lose that sucker. Also as weapons exports are as vital to my country as they are to your own, I will not willingly permit a client to be eradicated.

Also I enjoy you sheer disregard for different sects of Islam playing into this. As if all Muslims belief the same thing. Forget about how tensions between Shiite and Sunnis have been boiling for generations, and forget about the Kurds, who in fact are victimized during all of this.

If you want something to get mad about, or look at your own government’s failings, look at how you and your allies treat the Kurds. These peaceful people of northern Iraq and Iran, south eastern turkey, and northern Syria—deserve their own nation state. But for Kurdistan to be created a lot of countries will lose a lot of land and oil. Including your NATO ally Turkey; this is why the USA supported them branding the KWP, the Kurdish Workers Party, as terrorists. You even supply Turkey with your prized UAVs to monitor this ethnic group.

On Libya, I am glad the youth of the west are so ignorant of the motives behind this incident and the USA’s actions in it.

Your thoughts on the UN Security Council are sophomoric; which pleases me, as I enjoy misinformed Americans. China has a permanent seat on it, and is the largest supplier of UN peacekeepers worldwide. As for Russian-NATO relations, I must point out that Russia has permitted countless shipments of supplies through its territories in support of your country’s operations in Afghanistan. Where you see a black and white struggle left over from the soviets, I see a grey smear of half interested competition—my boy the 1980s where almost 30 years ago…

In closing yes I thank you for your blind defense of me comrade, I really appreciate it. And I get the sense that you are looking for something to get angry at about in your own country and its western mistakes—which I love—but you should probably do more research. Your nation’s past is not perfect, nor is my own—gawd look at the mass suicides in my prison camps (Just translate the page lazy Americans!) or the invasion of Georgia in 2008. (On a side note we couldn’t use our precision bombs because you, the USA, turned off our GPS, Thanks Dude….pissed me off to no end.) I also thank you for portraying me as a hero of the political left; but I must be honest, I am far more capitalist than your Mittens Romney.

But I feel as though your writing does not reflect so much on the USA, as it does your own glib ignorance, and maybe that is your message—that the USA cannot even complain about itself in a coherent or relevant manner. I get the sense you have a true interest in international affairs, which is commendable; but please be quiet while the adults are talking.

Forever yours, as you are forever mine,
Владимир Путин
Vladimir Putin
President of the Russian Federation
Former Prime Minister of the Russian Federation
Former President of the Russian Federation
Former KGB Officer
Drinker of Vodka, Killer of Bears…

Just for good measure, here’s some footage of when I tranquilized a tiger!


This piece was written anonymously in response to Ian Svenonius’s article on Pussy Riot. It is a satire written in the voice of Vladimir Putin; the author does not apologize to Putin for using his voice without permission, he is an ass. It is mean to offer a different outlook then previously present on this magazine, not to discount or discredit differing opinions, merely to make the picture more complete.

3 thoughts on “HERE, LET ME EXPLAIN by Vladimir Putin

  1. Pingback: Vladimir Putin / If I could Turn Back Time « Infernal Deity of a Psychotic Mind

  2. Pingback: Russia’s parliament votes to expand definition of high treason | An Average American Woman

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