FEATURED POST / HUMOR / LISTS

Ten Things to Do When Nobody Wants You

A committed case study in the lonely existence of your editors.

1. Stock up on Sriracha
Trust us, even a Smart Ones quesadilla will taste heavenly, or at least in the I’m-trying-to-fill-some-kind-of-void sense.

2. Create a stash of cats or some other kind of small animal.
Everyone makes fun of it, but you know the truth.

3. Drink plenty of water.
You’ll need to stay hydrated for the next morning when you realize you’ve been completely drained of your self-worth. Water makes your skin look better too, so that’s maybe a thing.

4. Be sure to remember your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend’s Facebook password that s/he revealed to you that one time s/he was drunk
Because come 3am, when no pizza place in your area is open, there’s literally nothing else to emotionally invest in aside from your last bit of Lean Cuisine wontons that aren’t even that great anyway. This way you can waste time between said wontons and the last chunk of sharp cheddar block in the “butter” compartment of your fridge.

5. Flirt with that management major on the deserted street corner for the hell of it, it’s not like you’re going to sleep with him.
His pink tie–not strategically set with the rest of his suit—might be off-putting, but he still rocks the 2001 hair spikes, which is admittedly kind of cute. Okay, so you might sleep with him.

6. Text your mom about the cab ride home
Because she is in need of another reason to be pissed that you didn’t follow “The Path.” Plus you genuinely thought she’d care about the weird smell.

7. Discover whiskey.
Or whisky, depending on the brand.

8. Flip a proud bird to any and all “youth rock athems” that tell you to “set the world on fire” or what the fuck ever
Who even does that anyway? Even if you have someone it’s just a good 8-10 minutes followed by unsettling questions about what your sister’s studying in school. No one sets anything on fire. Don’t be deluded by pop. You’re better than that.

9. Scoop the cat box.
You won’t want to do that in the morning.

10. Take one good, long look at yourself in the mirror.
Because tomorrow is a new day by yourself!

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