10 Things I Did Tonight Instead of Apply to Jobs

1. Laid down on the living room floor with my ear to the downstairs apartment to attempt to listen in on the guy below. Often times he lets out unsettling cursing shouts and I wished to uncover the mystery.

2. Got all dressed up for yoga, was about to head out the door, then heard it raining outside and said ‘fuck it’ and laid down on the couch and read a book.

3. Took a bite out of a brownie. But not the whole thing.

4. Contorted by body into strange and uncomfortable positions in order to sufficiently pop/pick backne or shoulderne. Neither area was sufficiently taken care of.

5. Made a tortilla with melted cheese and ate it. Then made another tortilla with melted cheese and ate it.

6. Put on a sweater because it felt colder today. Then sat and thought about the odd feeling of suddenly wearing sweaters.

7. Considered watching TV but then thought, ‘What’s the point?’

8. Considered reading about politics but then thought, ‘What’s the point?’

9. Felt abysmal.

10. Opened up a position from the ‘Jobs’ tab in my bookmarks and started to apply to a job. Because I would like more money, my own single apartment, a place to bring my friends, the ability to go out to dinner or–“hehe, Brunch!”, the confidence in myself with the knowledge that my parents now have confidence in me, the irritating yet comfortable feeling of My Parents Being Proud, a new phone that doesn’t cut out every 5 minutes, maybe a GPS on my phone so I don’t get lost (perhaps a luxury), the ability to pay off that last speeding ticket, Status, a feeling of accomplishment, being able to get dressed up for work and not sweat and smell like coffee, pride in the energy, time, and effort I put into my degree, internship experience, and long hours spent reading about how to get a job, apply to a job, and improve my resume, Wine, and maybe, just maybe, a chance to live alongside the Pretty Happy People I see every single day, toting around grocery bags with hard-earned produce and wearing sunglasses they have yet to break and feel horrible about because they would actually have the money to compensate for them anyway.

But then I thought, ‘What’s the point?’

Patrick Batemen says, “Don’t touch the watch” 


Cynthia Robinson still thinks you should hire her because all funnies aside, she’s actually really serious about getting a job. Books read include: Knock ‘Em Dead, The Success Principles, and Hired! She really likes reading. But ALSO — she’s detail-oriented, hard-working, and learns very quickly, with superior adaptability and the unbridled enthusiasm to take on any new task. And unlike all the other thousands of college grads who are practically the same as her if not better, she will use the term ‘unbridled,’ which will take you aback, shock you, then slightly intrigue you, provoking a strange yet warm image of Michael Bolton and his iconic mane.

I guarantee you will not be disappointed with her as a valuable addition to your team.


One thought on “10 Things I Did Tonight Instead of Apply to Jobs

  1. Pingback: Problematic Petting — When I Say ‘Don’t Be a Stranger’ I Really Mean ‘Come Over and Have Sex with Me Immediately” « RASCALmagazine

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