FEATURED POST / HUMOR / LISTS

10 Things We Didn’t Realize Were Hipster

Here’s the thing.

We, just as much as you, hate the term “hipster.” Actually we don’t hate it, but we loathe it in moderation. Because most of the time, hipsters are calling the kettle black and it’s fucking confusing. What really defines one, anyway?

I think we can ALL agree that no one actually loves Luther Vandross and listens to him unironically. We tried listening to Luther Vandross ironically and that didn’t work. Sometimes people do things to go outside of the norm and that’s boring.

With that said, though, there are certain things we do normally which are apparently regarded as being hipster-esque, provoking our bourgeois parents to scoff at our “rebellious nature” and our past Pep Squad selves to cower away into old diaries because they cannot deal with such a slick identity change-up.

Herewith, 10 things that perhaps, just may be, apparently hipster:

1.  Talking openly about being melancholy
Do only hipsters discuss their unfortunate befuddlement? Is there some kind of connection with not being particularly interested in the music of, say, Radiohead, Nirvana, Daniel Johnston? Are inner demons a defining aspect of the underground?

2. Being in a polyamorous relationship.
We’ve talked to “couples” who love each other, yes, but also sleep with other people. Is this alt? Do you pine for the grounded and carefully defined days of the past with your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend and ex prom date? Even though they still think misogyny is funny and make really bad dick jokes. maybe it’s time to throw in the towel because we are jealous creatures and may not be able to ever get past that. Screw hedonism. (Mmm).

3. To like wholesome and nutritious foods like quinoa or kale or smoothies made from real fruit and not purchased at the airport.
It’s pronounced like keen-wah. Bet you didn’t know that. We did. Before you.
(Way before you. Like, months before you).

4. To have a social networking site that shows off the books you read.
A lot of people like other people knowing they are engaged or have children or cute animals or love the Red Wings so what’s the difference?

5. To read books.
We’ve seen the scoffs while reading a print paperback on the train. It’s as if we’re just vying for attention to be different.
Q; WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?

6. Not caring that much about football but not because you want to be Someone Who Doesn’t Give a Shit About Football but really because you’re indifferent and just genuinely desire to do something else on your Saturdays off.
You fucking asshole. You’re just so desperate to be different.

7. To not want to get fro-yo or brunch or cupcakes or go to The Fray concert with you this weekend.
I’d rather eat full-fat ice cream and listen to melancholy music and talk about being melancholy. Again this is my Saturday, bitch.

8. For that matter, desire to stay in all weekend. Alone. By your self.
My Cat From Hell is on.

9. To ride a bike
Is this a hipster thing? Is it because it has to do with helping the environment or something? My sister loathes bikers and quote thinks they’re stupid. A nice relaxing bike ride by the lake is acceptable, though. Like something you may find on a brochure for Mackinac Island.

10. To just like what you like! Okay?!
Too many arguments with the siblings. We’ll just end it here.

photo by John Heeg

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