*Warm, crackling fire*
Please, have a seat. Make yourself at home.
Let me begin first by introducing myself. My name is Rev. Jon Paul Anthony Hart and I am here because I want to make sweet, sweet conversation with you.
Conversation about what, you might ask?
That’s a good question, and asked so beautifully, might I add. However, it is a question that I do not have an answer for.
What I want to talk about changes on a minute-to-minute basis, as I am certain it does for you as well. Why then, should we limit ourselves to just one topic? Must we really shackle ourselves to the binds of uniformity?
Obviously, the answer is we should not.
But if you and I are to have the relationship that I hope for us, we should take some time and get to know each other a little bit better.
I’ll begin by answering some questions that I can only assume you have for me:
You sound sexy. What do you look like?
I’ve been told that I look like a cross between a young John Travolta and Jemaine Clement from Flight of the Conchords.
You’re a reverend? You don’t seem much like a reverend to me.
This is something that I am asked often and I understand any confusion that you might have because, it’s true, I don’t exactly fit the stereotypical picture one might have when imagining a reverend.
Image aside though, yes, I am legally a reverend. I even performed the ceremony at a wedding earlier this year for two close friends of mine.
You must be religious then, right?
No, I’m not really religious actually. I have no problems with religion, and I can even see the merits in a lot of them. I just have yet to find a religion that upholds all of my personal values and I’m not willing to just “look the other way” when it comes to things that I truly believe in.
If I had to label myself, I would say that I’m “Comfortably Agnostic”.
So where did a godless heathen like you become a reverend?
In the same place that godless heathens like myself tend to congregate:
I was a mere lad of 18 when I joined the ministry. And no, it wasn’t some kind of divine epiphany that led me to become a reverend. If we are being totally honest, what happened was I was watching an episode of the show Friends, and Joey, one of the main characters, got ordained online so that he could perform the wedding ceremony for his friends Monica and Chandler. This was all the inspiration I needed to pull out my laptop and research how easy it was to get ordained.
What I found was that it was almost unbelievably easy
In my search(google, mostly), I was led to the Universal Life Church Monastery, a magical place that granted acceptance to the clergy to anyone who had the desire, and about two minutes to spare.
With nothing more than a name, address, and email confirmation, I was able to become legally ordained and was granted the mighty powers that a man of the cloth possesses.
It was a momentous occasion to say the least.
What “powers” do you have as a reverend?
- Officiate wedding ceremonies
- Perform baptisms
- Carry out funerals
- Absolve people of their sins
- Give people new sins*
*(Not sure about that one, I’m still looking into it.)
Enough with this reverend business, why do you want to talk to us?
I want to talk to you, because I feel as though I have something to say. Something real. Maybe I’m just hoping to find someone who understands my warped perspective of this world that we live in. Someone else who can see the comedy in the depressingly mundane, or the beauty that is hidden in disaster (and vice versa).
Maybe I’m just trying to not feel so alone, and hoping that I can give some other poor soul that relief as well.
You seem pretty messed up. Why do you think that anyone would give a shit about what you have to say?
Because fuck you, that’s why.
Hey, fuck you too, buddy!
That’s not a question, ass clown.
Yeah, whatever. So what’s this column even about, anyway?
It’s about everything.
It’s about nothing.
It’s about anything that you and I want it to be about. I want to tell you about my day, and I want you to tell me about yours. Let’s talk about dinosaurs, or the origins of ice cream, or why even though The Hangover 2 was essentially the same movie as The Hangover, it was still good. Let’s push the boundaries of eclecticism and embrace the unending chaos that is adult life.
You have successfully swayed me with your rhetoric! Where can I contact you to talk?
You can email me at:
You can contact me about anything, and so long as it tickles my fancy, I’ll write a column about it
Well lovelies, that’s it for now.
If you want more, you know where to find me.
Come back soon.
I’ll be waiting
-Rev. Jon Paul Anthony Hart
If you are interested in joining me in the clergy, here is a link to the Universal Life Church website:
GOT A QUESTION? ASK A REVEREND.
-Need advice about love/life?
-Are you interesting enough to be interviewed?
-Want to tell me that you hate me?
-Want to tell me that you really, really hate me?