This story contains me running naked, climbing trees, breaking cars, and having my first manic episode. Enjoy.
Everything presented within this story is completely factual. It may seem hard to believe, or parody-like, but it’s not. I completely condone and promote any and all alcohol and weed fueled antics, and antics in general. The one warning that I will give: mood orders and cannabis can have a drastically disassociate affect that may not be what you planned on.
Let’s start with the setting. Teenage band practice, basement, mild drinking being extremely seventeen with others who were also being very seventeeny, both in behavior and age. Dick jokes, boobs and talking about drugs. I had never done the weed so the others felt that it was as good of a time as any to “smoke me up”.
I was told that no one really gets high the first time, unless they smoke a lot of weed. So after we left and procured the substance from our mutual acquaintance at the Sunoco (high school style), I decided to hit that bowl with a vengeance. Now, I’m still not sure what a lot of weed is due to only smoking two or three times since, for very good reasons that will soon present themselves.
After smoking the weed at our local park, because that’s where you smoke weed out in the country or I guess anywhere really, I started climbing things, because that’s what I do, high or otherwise. Just all over everything: trees, jungle gyms, unattractive and attractive women, everything. I’m sort of high at this point, about the amount that I would assume is appropriate for your usual family gathering or bah mitzvah.
We decided to move on and get in the car to head back to the basement to reunite with the other half of our platoon. Now from now on, the story will consist of vague memories, followed by vivid memories, glued together with others first hand accounts and things that were laughed about for years to come. I’m in the fetal position in the car with boy and girl upfront, asking if I’m freaking out (which should have seemed obvious), but e’erboby was getting doped on dank (I don’t know how cannabis talk works) so the obvious was the astute. All questions were soon answered.
Scene 1- Car
I’m now jumping up and down from a crouched gargoyle position trying to get out of the car, because you know what fuck cars and physics, I’m jumping into the road. Luckily, I couldn’t figure out doors or locks so I only managed to get it open for about half an inch before I was stopped and went back to my original fetal standing. It was then something someone had said earlier echoed in my head, “It is impossible to bite through your own skin.” Well, screw that logic, let’s break some misconceptions. I get to work on my wrist biting away and drawing blood. Now if you don’t believe this, I understand, but I will show anyone who asks the scar to prove it. Still slightly feral and orally fixated I decide to test the durability of the headrest in front of me and rip apiece out with my teeth and spit it on the floor. It was after this and some more jumping that guy and girl decided it would be safer with me outside of the car.
Scene 2-Field of Dopamine Dreams
They released my feral self into the wild and I went to work rejoining my brothers in the Paleolithic. I believe that half of the next few bits were done on all fours but I really can’t be certain. I moved away from the road and jumped a fence into someone’s field and ran around for a little while, I’m not sure how, but my shirt was now gone. I only ran around for a short people of time because fields have little to climb and, goddamnit, I was going to climb some shit. So, operation Escape the Field commenced. It went pretty much the same, as when I jumped to get in only I didn’t get as much sweet air this time and caught the barbed wire on the fence, much like any other animal would have, and like any other animal I needed to be released. Instead of removing the barbed wire carefully, I decided to remove my pants (both the British kind of pants and the American) so that I could be completely nude.
Scene 3 Cars 2- Electric Bugaloo
My friends had been searching for me this entire time, because it was pitch black and I could not be seen. I reemerged in a big way. I wanted to greet them, but I also wanted to climb, so I made my way to the top of the girl’s car. This is where I started to jump up and down. Basically, it was like if they hired Bobo to do Denzel Washington’s scene in “Training Day.” To dismount, I slid and rolled casually down the car catching and bending its antennae on my bare ass and falling into gravel, which I decided to roll around in for a while. It was about this time everyone else decided that more help was needed so they went back to get the rest of the group and discuss what to do with me.
Scene 4- Fuck If I Know
I’m just going to present this in list format because that’s how I recall it, no lead ups, no one to tell the story back to me, just blasts of info reserved in far corners of my mind:
- I was up a tree eating leaves
- I ran naked in front of no less than three moving vehicles
- I rolled around in the side of the road for awhile
- I contemplated my existence and the very nature of time and whether or not I would live my life like this from now on.
Eventually, the cavalry came and I was wrapped in a blanket and thrown into the back of a Ford Bronco II. I woke up the next day on my friends couch in someone’s hoodie and underwear, convinced that it was only a dream I had. Until the damage was pointed out to me, and everyone around gave somber looks.
The moral of this story doesn’t exist. It just happened and that’s where we’ll leave it, though this did kick start me on seeking medical treatment so that’s cool. It also gave the school something to discuss, so that’s also kind of cool, and now I have this story which I had originally placed in the back of my head until now.