Graduating is a confusing and upsetting time, often jam-packed full of questions from old people. RASCAL writer MJ Julep is here to help the young, still-hungover journalists of the world respond to the invasive questions they are likely to receive while living in their parent’s basement. Not sure what the hell you’re going to do with your life? No problem!
10. “I’d really like to travel.”
You have no money, no job, and no means with which to travel, but this standard answer will distract the questioner by causing him or her to reminisce about youthful travels of their own. The causing the conversation will quickly spin completely out of control, as you’re forced to listen politely as they reminisce on 2006’s “craaaazy” trip to Barcelona.
9. “I’ve put in my resume at a lot of places.”
This is a solid response because it makes you look productive. Plus, you have a resume. Professionalism!!!
8. “I’m volunteering part-time at a food pantry.”
This response should be given to anyone in your parent’s congregation. They will pat you on the back and applaud your post-grad philanthropic endeavors while exclaiming over the horror of starving children in Africa. You don’t know why this always spawns a conversation about Africa.
7. “I’m looking into grad school.”
This is a great response for anyone who doesn’t understand that going to grad school for print journalism is career suicide. Drop a couple of Columbia references and phrases like, “Getting a masters today is like getting your bachelors in the 60s.” You’re golden.
6. “I’m working for my dad while I try to find a job.”
Given that your dad is an accountant and that you don’t know the first thing about a tax return, this is false, but it makes you look productive and like you’re earning money, two things that are very important to old people.
5. “I’ve been in touch with my old internship director in New York City, and she said she’d get back to me this week about a job that I would be perfect for.”
Well, technically, she already got back in touch with you. The opening is for editor/investigative reporter with ten years of experience in the field, someone who knows Mandarin and how to code a website, film a documentary, and use Adobe Illustrator. You don’t know how to do any of this, therefore will not even apply to the job, but the questioner doesn’t have to know that. They’ll be too distracted by “New York City” and start telling you about how they “know someone who used to be an editor there” while you politely nod and listen.
4. “I’m working at my hometown paper for now.”
Firstly, be sure to gear this one towards a questioner who has no idea about the circulation of your hometown paper (a cool 3,000). Duties here require attending board meetings, making bulleted lists of zoning laws and notating city council meetings for the paper’s basically unvisited website, but having some job in makes you seem put together.
3. “I’ve been talking with ABC News.”
Read: you’ve sent the hiring manager your resume three different times and you feel like she’s probably just annoyed and fed up with you at this point, so now you’ll never get a job there because you’re a pest and HOW DO PEOPLE GET JOBS THIS IS SO HARD.
2. “Um, I have like no idea what I’m doing and feel like all of life might just be a farce.”
This response should be saved for very close friends. They won’t judge you for your pitiful capitalistic contributions to society as of late. This answer can be shared with those most likely to take you to the bar for whiskey and to help find you a pity fuck to feel better about yourself.
1. “FUCK YOU IT’S MY LIFE I’LL DO WHAT I WANT, BITCH!”
You’re about to be big-time, so don’t sweat the small people. You may not have your whole life figured out, and you may be dependent on your parents for basic expenses like food and shelter, but hey, fuck it. As Charlie of ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’ said,
“OH, get a job? Just get a job? Why don’t I strap on my job helmet and squeeze down into a job cannon and fire off into job land, where jobs grow on little jobbies?”